Spring and the Feelings that Come Along...

Today is March 1st, in my mind the first day of Spring. Spring has always been a strange time for me...I start to get this feeling that somehow, someway my life is going to change and almost every Spring something big ALWAYS happens. I find love or I lose love, I make important decisions or other chaos occurs.

I've started to get that feeling already. I'm feeling torn between life choices. I feel like I looked up yesterday and realized that I am 24 and sort of floating along, waiting for things to happen to me but not doing much to make them happen. I have a good job but I'm broke. I've been in college for six years but I don't have a degree. I've been enamoured by philosophy since I was sixteen but my friends are quickly passing me by in conversational swirls of Habermas, Camus and people that, frighteningly, I've never even heard of.

I feel as though I am trying to live in two worlds. On the one hand I want to sit around, drink wine and talk about the mysteries of the universe with my intellectual compatriots. On the other hand, I want to start my life in a real way. I feel like I'm ready for adulthood. I'm ready to have assets, get married and crickey...even have children. Are these things mutually exclusive? From my vantage it seems as though they are. How can I go get drunk one night after work and talk incoherently with friends about metaphysics if I have a 1-year-old at home? How can I find the time to sit and think and write if I have a house and husband to take care of. But I want both.

Is this the perennial feeling of torn priorities that has come to plague women since the sexual revolution? Is this my organic nature and my constructed self going into battle? If so, which one should I listen to? I know I can't have it all. If I try to be both, both will get the short end of the stick but if I only do one will I always feel like a have a gaping hold where that other part of me was?

Well, the search goes on. 24 is starting to seem old but in reality, it is not that old, so I have some time to make these decisions and see what the Springtime will bring.